Angel was a kid in their formative elementary years. They were emotionally aloof and lived with both of their parents in a city somewhere in Metro Manila. 

Angel’s mother had to commute back and forth from home everyday, struggling to make ends meet, after her husband– then a security guard at a nearby bank– recently lost his job.

Both of Angel’s parents were emotionally unavailable for them, because their mother would be too tired to listen to their stories from school. And when they turn to their father, they would just see him drinking, tending to his gamefowls (mga manok panabong), or hogging the television to watch basketball, even if Angel would have wanted to watch their favorite cartoon too.

Angel would notice how dirty laundry kept piling up, unwashed plates rose in stacks, and bills were waiting to be paid. They thought, “Ano ba ang dapat o kaya kong gawin?” All at a very tender age. 

One evening, Angel was eating dinner when their parents suddenly got into a fight. Their mother raged at her husband, saying something along the lines of “Wala kang kwenta! Ang tamad-tamad mo! Pagod na pagod na ako!” Meanwhile, the father retaliated with curses, his tongue venomed with a viciousness unbound. 

Angel would describe that night as one that had “a lot of thuds” – they remember vividly the way their walls made of plywood rattled and the columns made of coco lumber would shake.

And in a moment, Angel found their door destroyed by their father and their mother on the side, crying and covered with bruises. Angel tried to protect their mother, but they too were not spared of their father’s wrath. He would hit them with a belt, particularly its metal end, and Angel would find themselves crying, hugging their mother, and begging for mercy.

It was a hot, sunny afternoon. Angel was walking with their mother at the park cluelessly, only to find themselves in front of the authorities.

“Gusto niyo po ba, barilin na namin?” Angel remembered this line from the police officer. Their mother would look at them and ask, “Gusto mo ba barilin nila yung papa mo?”

Angel did not really know what to do or what to say. They just stared blankly at the figures in front of them, a torrent of feelings ripping through them. They knew they hated their father. Angel knew that him dropping dead and bleeding on the ground would make them safer.

However, Angel was caught up in the allure of the idea of a complete “family”– a family, consisting of a child, a mother, and a father. They believed that, whatever was happening, was not permanent—and that their father would change.

Angel and their family eventually decided to move from Metro Manila to a nearby province. Using the hard-earned money their mother worked for, they were able to afford a house.

Their father took care of Angel somewhat, cooking them food more, taking them to school, and making them look presentable for school.

However, Angel remembered how their father would touch them in their intimate areas. They remembered how they would suddenly wake up with their father beside them with no shirt on.

Angel remembered a time when their father would get angry at them while he was drinking. The fury prompted him to force Angel to kneel on salt while carrying heavy books with both hands. He would then hit them with a belt and hangers. Angel was reminded of all the other abuse they had to endure throughout the years—from punching, hitting, vicious verbal tirades, and, at one point, force-feeding Angel excessive amounts of siling labuyo (chili pepper) for saying something that their father did not like.

Despite leaving everything behind from before, they still felt unsafe. So they found an opportunity to leave and go to a faraway place.

Angel would sit on a swing from the playground in the subdivision and contact their closest friends in high school about how they were. They were worried, but could not really do anything.

Despite everything, Angel still felt empty and helpless.

One of the moments that changed the trajectory of Angel’s life forever was when their parents decided to formally split.

It was still the same things over and over—dirty laundry kept piling up, unwashed plates rose in stacks, and bills were waiting to be paid.

Angel’s father tried to work in the province, but he just ended up cheating on Angel’s mother with a coworker.

Angel would find their mother crying, finding her self-image more and more distorted– as she found out her husband was cheating, she too decided that she would find comfort in the embrace of another man.

At this point, Angel wasn’t sure what ‘love’ was anymore.

While Angel was doing a project for MAPEH, they overheard a loud thud.

They found their parents fighting, because their mother did not want to have sex with their father. He insisted over and over until he started asking if their mother had another man. He demanded an answer and accused her of it since she did not want to do it with him.

They had started sleeping in separate quarters since the family moved to their new house, but their father seemed to be even more intensely sexually harassing them since.

The argument went on for a long time, until there were objects flying, doors slamming, and shrill shouting.

Angel, reminded of their past, felt the need to protect their mother– like it was a natural instinct to do so. Their family dog would bark too, like it was supporting them against a home invader.

Angel and their mother ran from the man—who, at this point, had attempted to burn their house down and picked up a metal tube to try and hit them both.

The dog struggled loose, gnashing at the father, and bought the two just enough time to escape. Fortunately, the gate was left unlocked and they managed to run far, far away. 

The man would search and keep watch for Angel and their mother after that.

Many would advise Angel’s mother to report him to the barangay officials for a blotter or to the police station for a case. Both of them could have died by now and forever remain just a memory in other people’s lives.

But perhaps, the same fear that entered Angel’s mind when they were young also bothered their mother’s mind– the idea of a complete family. Perhaps she feared escalating a conflict into something bigger, will only lead to more pain and suffering. 

Angel’s parents finally split soon after.

However, they found out that the house their mother spent all her hard-earned money on was actually legally owned by her husband, since he processed the payment when it was being bought.

Angel’s mother was devastated.

Despite everything, she was forced to let go of something she poured her blood, sweat, and tears into—all because of legal complications. However, eventually, the father ended up selling it, with both spouses splitting a share of the money, since Angel’s father believed keeping the house would not matter anymore.

Angel transferred back to the province over the summer in order to continue their studies. They would live with their grandparents in the meantime, while Angel’s mother would financially provide for them.

Their father would eventually go see Angel in the province, trying to convince them to come with him to the city center to “just have fun.” Angel hesitated and did not accept his invitation. He fumed with anger, and accused Angel of being heartless.

But after that, Angel never saw the man again. They would eventually receive a phone call from a distant relative, saying he died due to an illness.

Angel cried, sure—but did not know if the feeling of relief or devastation triumphed over the other.

For Angel, it was nice to not feel like their life was in danger anymore. But they also clung to the rotten hope that they wanted to see their father to exist, because they wanted to see him change– to see them be successful and realize what love truly is.

Angel wanted to make him realize despite his flaws in taking care of his wife and Angel, they were still capable of loving and taking care of a family. Angel wanted to assert and prove they were not broken. That they knew what it meant to love and be loved.

But, despite the heady noise inside Angel’s mind, life went on. After their father was buried, Angel did not have the time to grieve. They had to proceed with life as normal.

Their mother did not want to visit the burial of their father, and was more focused on establishing her blooming relationship with another man.

And, in the middle of it all, what Angel felt was genuine loneliness.

Both of their parents never really became parents for them. Neither of them knew how to take care of themselves in the first place, let alone their relationship. How then could they have realized that all their child wanted was for them to love themselves, so Angel could figure out how to love themselves too?

On a weary December night, Lulu and Arwen found out Lulu was pregnant with Julia.

Lulu started anxiously wringing her fingers, but especially felt the vacancy of her ring finger. She was anxious about what her family would think, what her siblings would say, how her mother would chide her for being so foolish as to get herself pregnant so quickly after graduating– all for a boy who was only a few years into bookkeeping for these small businesses.

In the same instant, Arwen had to start recalibrating his plans around accountancy. Would his jobs really get him enough money to pay for the expenses of a pregnancy? Of a wedding? The two of them were living in barely-living spaces with hardly a bed and a kitchen to stay and, quite suddenly, they would have to move in together.

Southern Metro Manila was quiet, much like their home provinces, however where would they go from here? Do they know anyone who could house them for a bit while they gathered themselves together at least through the civil wedding? Because surely they couldn’t have this child outside of wedlock. What would everyone say? What about this child’s documents in the future?

Then, they were both struck by a familiar worry: was their combined income even enough to start a family? It was very early in the 2000s, but the economic situation was starting to look grim. Their friends and relatives were all jumping on planes to start working abroad as the cost of living kept climbing while Philippine wages wouldn’t keep pace..

Lulu looked down at her hands in front of the doctor and wondered if she made the right choices. Sure, she finished a Psychology degree but what was that going to get her? She was planning on doing her boards to be a psychometrician but she wasn’t sure if she would have the time and energy to do it now.

Arwen’s hand felt soft but firm on hers. She looked up to him and he smiled back at Lulu. So soft and reassuring.

Lulu knelt down next to Julia. She held a numb gaze at her mother, clutching a tiger-striped hardbound notebook.

Arwen’s apartment in Saudi was barely bigger than a bedroom– just enough for a half-kitchen and two single mattresses sitting side-by-side for the three of them to sleep on. In the cabinets were rotting letters Lulu and Arwen exchanged over the past nine years and shirts with opportune holes, just barely good enough to wear when he was out of the office.

His phone was sitting broken at the bottom of a drum of water, while Arwen stood across the room from the two. 

Julia’s mother sat down next to her and smiled softly. “Kanino mo gusto sumama, anak ko?”

Arwen was visibly upset but he knew saying anything else would only upset Lulu more. He watched and looked to Lulu with softened eyes. This was not the future he wanted for her. Surely, he thought, Lulu would snap out of it and realize how ridiculous it was to ask Julia this.

But Lulu continued to look expectantly at the child.

Julia was normally checked out of her parents’ fights. But this time, Lulu was asking for a separation and was roping Julia into it. 

“Bakit…” Julia said out loud. Her voice was at first firm, but it could not hold “…‘di na lang pwede ‘wag na maghiwalay?” And, in an instant, everything in her snapped at once.

Julia no longer remembers anything about her parents prior to this moment.

Julia quietly sat in the car. The airconditioning was barely a hum despite the heat and she kept her earbuds on as her parents got out of the car. She stared out the windshield as her parents walked up to the mall’s facade.

She was listening to The Script’s latest album #3. She had every song memorized already, but she kept looping through it. It felt nice. Comforting.

Her parents trekked out onto the front of the mall and stopped. Julia’s mother was shouting at her father again. There was fury painted in her eyes.

Julia kept them both just out of sight. It wasn’t worth paying attention to them when they were like this, she learned. It just distracted her from talking to her friends. And, even though she was bullied plenty at school still, at least she got attention. At least she had people listening.

Her eyes flicked back up to her parents and saw someone she did not know come up to them. She seemed short.

Julia looked back down. No one was responding to her messages today, it looked like. She supposed summer was a busy time for some other people. She glanced back up and stopped as she saw the scene unfold.

Lulu was trying to pull at the short woman’s hair. Arwen was trying to pull her away, but it seemed to be to no avail. The woman seemed to be trying to get away.

Julia kept staring, unsure how to feel or what to do. She’s not sure what happened next.

The doctor told Arwen he needed rest and an alleviation of stress. But as Julia’s graduation date loomed, it was getting more and more difficult for him to be unstressed. Lulu was calling every other day now, yelling at him about his supposed sins.

He sent an email to Lulu, greeting her for their 200th monthsary. He wrote a poem for her and had Julia buy flowers for her from them both. However, neither tempered Lulu’s temper.

In the end, he continued to be accused of cheating– a painful accusation when he often sat lonely and exhausted most days in his barely-living space and ate food out of tin cans to send enough money back to his family.

He sometimes wrote in poems to his emails to Julia and she often loved them. She usually told him to find more time to write so he can get better at poetry, since Arwen seemed to love being able to do it.

However, as of late, Julia became more and more busy and distant. She had friends and a love life to attend to. She went to international academic competitions and filled her days with so many things he didn’t even know about. And now she was graduating in two days and he was going to miss it.

The stress hampered his body in ways he couldn’t have known. He had nightmares of Lulu and Julia leaving. His physical symptoms worsened and his doctor continued to insist that he not tax himself.

But how couldn’t he? He was there to give his family a good life. Despite everything, he had to do it for them. Whatever the cost.

“Hindi naman ako tanga na pwede mong pagsinungalingan tungkol sa pambababae mo, Arwen!” Julia’s mother’s shrill voice continued to ring in Julia’s ears. She put her head down and did her homework. Although there were four walls between Julia and her parents, she could hear every word of their fights.

“Hindi ka nga tanga pero kung anu-ano na naman pinaniniwalaan mo, Lulu? Wala akong babae. Wala!” Her dad often tried to keep his cool in this situation, but he was only human. “Sobrang pagod na ako. Hindi ka pa ba pagod? Taon-taon na lang ganto, tuwing umuuwi ako…”

“Oo, Arwen, pagod na ako,” she snapped back at him. “Pagod na pagod na pagodna ako. Sampung taon na tayo ganto, Wen! Sampung taon mo na ako ginagago!”

Julia stayed the course with her math homework. The angles add up to 90 degrees.

But it was getting difficult to focus on the shapes and lines. Therefore, line FGH has to be–

The sound of a large object being thrown interrupted her line of thought.

“Tangina mo at mga babae mo!” She screamed at Julia’s father. It was followed by the abrupt sound of more and more things being thrown. “Dum’on ka na sa mga puta mo! Ba’t mo pa kami inuuwian? Putang ina mo!” The sound of a door being swung open came soon after, followed by several hurried footsteps.

“Anak?” Julia’s dad started knocking at her door.

FGH should be 45 degrees, right?

“Anak, pabukas naman ng pinto,” her father said, her knocking on the door growing more frantic. Thrown things started hitting her bedroom door.

Julia got up.

“Putang ina mo, mag-annul na tayo!” Julia’s mother continued.

Arwen simply chuckled nervously in response. “Sa’n tayo kukuha ng pera para don? Baon na baon na nga ako sa utang, tapos magpapa-annul tayo?”

Julia held her hand at the door knob and paused for a moment. 

Then, she jumped back as the sound of a physical struggle against the door broke out. She kept staring at the closed door as her parents shuffled and fought against each other.

Soon, the sounds slowly started to stop meaning so much.

It was eleven in the morning. Arwen was on the floor and he was groaning in pain. His eyes were closed as the sunlight streamed through the living room curtains. A cracked luggage bag was splayed on the ground. The stairs creaked.

Lulu looked up at the stairs.

And Julia stood on the fifth step, having just witnessed her mother kick her father in the ribs three times in a row. So she pulled out her phone and started to dial a number on her phone, considering who to ask for help.

Lulu understood exactly what was happening and shouted at her, telling her not to do it. That it was just the two of them. That their dad was a cheating liar and, if she made that call, it would be a betrayal.

Julia stared at her blankly.

Arwen slowly stood up, his left side stinging in a sharp pain. He dragged himself up from the floor and slowly placed himself atop the living room couch. His eyes faltered and he was barely conscious, but he was slowly gathering his bearings.

Julia put down the phone.

Lulu looked at Arwen. Then, she lunged at him.

Julia was not particularly athletic, but she knew what she had to do. She intercepted Lulu and pushed her away from Arwen. Lulu tried to lunge past Julia again, but she blocked her again. Julia took both of her mother’s arms and pinned her down onto a different couch.

Julia looked down at her mother, who she was holding down to keep her father safe. A familiar fury was reflected in Lulu’s eyes.

Her mother screamed and yelped, as she struggled in Julia’s grip. She demanded to be let go. And then, she started screaming at Julia’s face, “hindi kita anak!”

“Hindi kita anak! Kagaya ka lang ng tatay mo!”

“Hindi kita anak!”

Julia moved out of their house in college. Lulu called often, but Julia rarely answered.

Lulu spent her hours teaching high school students. They frequently thought she was the ‘cool teacher’, who was chill and nice to everyone. Lulu always wanted to teach, but between the pregnancy and husband, it wasn’t really something she could do until now.

She ruffled through some of Julia’s old school papers– essays, quizzes, projects.

Sometimes, when Lulu felt lonely in that big house all on her own, she would go through Julia’s things and see what she could find. She’s not sure what Julia’s up to now, but maybe she could at least understand what Julia was doing back then.

She was going through her English notebooks, when a folded piece of paper fell out of one. She picked it up and gently unfolded it. A small poem was written, unmistakably in Julia’s loopy handwriting. But in red ink, someone had written “see me after class”.

She slowly went through each line. A tear wet the page as she started to understand.

The poem was about a monster that went bump in the night.

“Wide awake with my eyes closed tight,
A step, a thump from under the door’s light.”